even trev has a bad day..

its late.. i should probably be in bed.. but i just have this nagging.. something.. that wont let me..

i just listened to a podcast from francis chan called, 'even francis has a bad day,' hence the title of this post.. he was just talking about feeling like he was under strong spiritual attack.. he explained that he had been planning on having the sermon that morning be about rejoicing, and praising God.. but when he got to church, he was feeling like anything but rejoicing.. and he talked about just not being able to fake it up in front of all these people..

i really identified with that.. i dont know what it is in me, but i think im realizing something about myself.. i noticed it last night when my mom and sister were skyping with me, and asked me how i was doing.. i said, oh im fine.. and i realized that i really was not fine.. i realized that i usually respond to questions like that with, im great! or im fine.. and thats pretty much it.. part of it is honestly because i just dont get bummed out too often.. but when i am, i still tend to just say, oh im fine..

i feel like most of what i say on this blog is just awesome stories of how everything is great, and sweet things im learning.. stuff that gets you pumped and makes you wanna listen to 'eye of the tiger' and go save the world.. and i think its so awesome that the Lord has been teaching me so much, and giving me an incredible, crazy vision for what He wants to do in this country.. but at the same time, im not always at that place of just loving life.. i have been hesitating to post anything for the last week, because i honestly just felt like i didnt have anything to say that would be of any value or encouragement, nothing i was feeling that would get people pumped up.. i couldnt bring myself to write about how awesome life is right now because actually, life is really hard right now.. and i think i needed to just say that.. not for anyone to console me, but i think i just needed to be honest in saying that life is hard right now, i feel like im under attack, and please continue to pray for me.. i know so many of you do pray faithfully, and i cant thank you enough with any amount of words..

i have a sense of peace about all this.. im not crying myself to sleep, by any means.. i think im just getting to a point in my stint year where i will really need to lean fully on the Lords strength to push through.. i have been getting weary of being apart from ali.. it has been so hard to feel connected to the woman i love with so many miles between us and such sporadic communication.. i just really miss her..

well, im rambling at this point, and my eyes are starting to quit on me.. i better call it.. i hope this didnt come off as depressing! i still love Jesus and He loves me too.. its just been really, really hard this last week.. but thats ok! God is still good, and i am still privileged enough to be here in el salvador, sharing what He has done to change my life.. i knew when i signed up that it would be a great honor, but that it would also be really hard and growing and stretching.. turns out i was right..

thanks for all your prayers, friends..